Home, Like Noplace Is There

by The Hotelier

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released February 25, 2014




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The Hotelier Worcester, Massachusetts



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Track Name: An Introduction To The Album
Open the curtains.
Singing birds tell me "tear the buildings down."
You felt blessed to receive their pleasant sound.
The sound of things that break make you cringe inside yourself.
Inside yourself there's a child counting stars in their time-out.
In their time out of their day.
In the corners of their frame they are encased
in the losing of a grain
of themselves
pushed against the ebb and flow.
Wave good-bye and watch it go.

Well show me the honest/proper way
to disarm predatory gaze
that's sucking dry and never satiated.
You've been misused
been rewired.
You're short-circuiting now.
Just remember when you'd call me to come,
take a deep breath, and then jump.
So fragile are bodies,
so concave, work in self-destructive ways.

You shot from the hip and missed.
Detaching from all of this.
In physical pictures you remain,
spiral 'round yourself in figure-eight.
I recoil at every new beginning.

I searched for a way out.
Don't we all?
An existentialist recall:
turn in all dichotomies and truths that I gave.
I felt wrong in many ways.
It didn't heal.
It just got harder everyday to be still,
to be passing through the throes
in a daze,
feeling heavy,
feeling cold in my skin,
in my hand-me-downs.
I'm wearing everything thin.
And the pills that you gave didn't do anything.
I just slept for years on end.

So if I call,
should I beg?
Because I'm desperate here;
a couple steps from the edge.
I can't seem to burn bright enough.
I'm cold and I'm left alone.
We're all alone.
Grab a hold.
I know I said to not. What the fuck do I know?
I had a chance to construct something beautiful and I choked.
Track Name: The Scope Of All Of This Rebuilding
You cut our ropes,
left the umbilical,
and now I carry around
this weight of broken hope.
I can’t retrace,
and I lost my hold
and blame myself because that is all
I’ve ever known.
Your face shows doubt
when your head feels the wake of the sorrow.
Swore to me that you could live without
then the beg turns to take turns to borrow.
Help me down.
I just want this out.
When you bend, when you break, when you follow
you cut me out.
Then you cut our ropes,
left the umbilical,
and now i’m lost and I can’t take this path back home.
Send a birthday card.
Leave a one-way note.
I lied. I’m sorry. This isn’t easy. I don’t know.
And you’d ask me to “open your walls to this.”
But I’m scared, fingers broken,
and ill-prepared to let this drag out.
When you forgot the words to our song.
When you can’t remember names its been too long.
When you stopped asking what was wrong
all the pressure built up it was too strong.
I can't make this better.
It fell out of my hands because
I just wasn't built to hold on.
and I can’t remember names its been too long.
and I can’t find your face in the crowd.
I made a promise said my eyes would stay shut
through something called the scope of all of this rebuilding.
I broke when I entered. Displaced from the center,
I can’t find my way around this.
My wounds healed while my fingers fixed.
Track Name: In Framing
You fell for the first option presented of new rebirth.
You couldn't see it but you thought you'd believe it
since your soles cramping up have been swollen and sore.
Your new shoes back then just don't fit anymore.
You retraced the same shape, cut up and re-sewn,
when you felt abandoned, when you felt alone.

On New Years you resolved to make your chaos external.
Duress of sickening kinds. A half year blacked-out of my mind.
No string traced back to a place-marker.
Alleviate, erase failed attempts at obstructing machines.
Got drained when the crutch became vampiracy.
Bit off more than could chew and then swallowed it whole.
I choked on your temper when you felt alone.

The sirens cry loudly.
I am reflexive.
I cry loudly.
You put my picture in framing.
Hung forever. Left me strangling.
Called me 'baby'.

And with your nature reversed and our home as our cage,
you caved and you asked "is this coming of age."
As you climbed out the window, your face cold as stone,
you lifted the towel. Your wrist showed the bone.
I held my breath in the ER. I swayed as I stood.
I tried to stay steady to protect you the best that I could.
You pretended to sleep the entire ride home but I heard you crying
when you felt alone.
Track Name: Your Deep Rest
“So, while you’re fixing up your bed and while you’re organizing drawers, could you just listen to the problems had with problems of yours. and What’s that note you’re writing there? Why are you giving me this back? This was a gift from when we met back when you weren’t so upset.”

I called in sick from your funeral.
The sight of your body made me feel uncomfortable.
I couldn’t recognize your shell.

Your branching off had met an end from all the weight that made you bend.
and When you tried to shed your leaves you pined for warmth as they said “your lack of love for your dear self is sapping all of us here out. Trace your roots back to the ground work out the knotholes for yourself.”

I called in sick from your funeral.
The sight of your family made me feel responsible.
and I found the notes you left behind; little hints and helpless cries, desperate wishing to be over.

You said you’re trapped in your body
and getting deeper every day.
They diagnosed you born that way.
They say in runs in your family.
A conscious erasure of working class background
where despair trickles down
imbalanced chemical crutch. Open up. Swallow down.
You said “remember me for me. I need to set my spirit free.”

I called in sick from your funeral.
Tradition of closure nearly felt impossible.
I should have never gave my word to you;
not a cry not a sound.
Might have learned how to swim but never taught how to drown,
you said “remember me for me”. I watched you set your spirit free.
Track Name: Among The Wildflowers
You we born on a leap year.
Fill in the gaps.
Spinning gears keep catching your cracks,
skipping teeth,
keep calling you back,
telling stories pretending they’re fact.
Let me go. Too unstable to wane.
Chewing wildflowers to numb the pain.

Cut the lines. You’ll be fine
but if you break when I break, will you carry me away?
Will you fall on your blade just to hear when I’m saying I can’t?

You came out. Started bruising.
Find it tough to admit when your losing.
Oh, what should i think?
Carefully crafted commercial disaster.
They take what you’re after to get what they want out of you.

Dissociate from touch.
You’re tilting to pull the others with you.
Posed shakespearean skull, we see in different pictures.
You play the imperial
stealing the power to waste away.
You took the comfort from the lights in her soul.
Projected map of the body:
it's crass, abject, colonial.
You passed dis-ease presented to you at birth.
Held underwater told to scream your self worth.
It wasn’t good enough.
Entrust the secrets to the backs of your arms.
Killing the self as to protect it from harm.
Track Name: Life In Drag
I tried to keep a steady hand.
Tumble blocks
start again.
I held your side when you let go
and you came back well-rehearsed
in holding your own.

A broken seal/
a past self known.
Retrieve my heart from the Alamo.
I need it here
to touch your skin,
reconfigure, deconstruct, and begin.

The centers shrunk between your eyes.
Sharper corners/broader sides.
And I felt weak
in woman's wear.
Genderfucked, dilated,
stuck holding a stare.

You taught me how to guard my self.
To keep my heart
unscathed in health.
I think you got carried away.
Reached out your hand,
it carried you

Well it's life in drag.
You wore and armor that covered your face.
It's life in drag.
I wore hands high to show truce and embracing.
It's life in drag.

Who taught you how to hate your self?
Who forced you to confide in spell?
Mistook 'pathetic'
for empathy.
Cast a stone at the foe
and the stone hit me.

I held your hand
in ritual
to show disarming.
While you were a weapon
inside your self
inside your body.
I can't pretend,
I can't conceal my apprehension.
When pressed against
the callous of your palm
I reconciled
because you couldn't feel me there.

You wore the binary like a badge of honor.
While I struggled dealing with the loss of yet another
life in drag.
Track Name: Housebroken
We called off your guard as we entered the yard to convince you to
redirect some of that rage. Because who fed you rocks while they
ate their Thanksgiving and who left you out all alone in their
cage? and When you were a pup, I watched you so close. You ran
straight to the distance allowed by his post. You got kicked. You
got choked. Phrases crept up your spine when he said “we must
keep our bitches in line”. and On his poker nights, he says the
same of his wife. He’s the top-dog, pack leader, a true alpha-male.
So, make no sudden moves. Keep your nose from the border. You
move fast, you eat last this side of pecking order. So, why don’t
you come with me? We’ve got acres with streams. We won’t keep
you in cages or make you beg for your treats. We won’t tell you to
heel though you might need some time to dig up those old bones
your young self left behind. You said “your offer is nice but here
should suffice. Yeah, my younger years were something but that
isn’t my life. Master is all that i’ve got. He keeps me having a
purpose. Gives me bed, keeps me fed. and I’m just slightly nervous
of what I might do if I were let loose, if I caught that mail car, or ate
garbage for food. So, as I bare all my teeth, I will ask of you please to
just leave. Well your heart has spoken. I feel you’re already house
broken. So, I made you the hood ornament of an oncoming car
because your bark might seem bad but I’ll show you the scars from
when the state sent you over to deliver your teeth to the heels
of your kindred breaking chains from their feet. and Then you
wipe your hands clean. Splash of water. Paper napkin. While the
parrots sing headlines, we wear the leash like a fashion. Try to
take out my claws expect a visceral reaction. Try to muzzle me
up I’ll lash out and bite back and keep my options open for fear of
becoming housebroken.
Track Name: Discomfort Revisited
You carry an illness.
Practically know it by name.
It seldom speaks for you.
You learned to tune it away.
but It wasn’t easy.
Was fond of your writing.
It allowed me to see into you.
You hid behind the similes like fractal light
in all shades of blue pebbles and mirrors.

i’m just jealous because i tried
mapping out your mind’s inconsistent ways.
Tangled and untied, I watched your ends start to fray.
You felt buried from the start. Tearing you apart.
Constricting the free beating of your heart.
I knew your postcard would say,
“wish you could stay wish you felt the same way.”

Asked to be admitted and they put a lock on your door.
Subdued, medicated, face to linoleum floor.

and You tried to break away. Painted window panes.
Bars behind the glass molded to the frame.
You saw yourself in those days.
You felt buried from the start. Tearing you apart.
Constricting the free beating of your heart.
I knew your postcard would say,
“wish you could stay wish you felt the same way.”

I am tearing up pieces of old news
to mend the leaks in my open wounds.
Protect your pressure points i refuse to press against.
Let yourself renew. Project the voice that I found for you.
Pull up the weeds from the ground you grew.
Feel soil under your toes.
It’s you you have forever.

I felt weaker when I bent. Beaten to the end. Folding on myself.
Too damaged to mend, I couldn’t hold all the weight.
You felt buried from the start. Tearing you apart.
Injuring yourself dragging from my arm.
I knew your postcard would say,
“I know your new heart still desires to play
and who would i be to keep it all for me.”
Wish I could stay wish I felt the same way.
Track Name: Dendron
You cut your ties,
felt better off.
Salutations to your son.
Awoke to find you heading out
with your white collar undone.
You placed a bar,
I played a game to see how low that I could go.
We develop mental pictures
and we’re following our fathers down the drain.
Do you recall the imagery from when i drove you away?
Through others’ rose prescription lens,
man I’m sorry every day.
because We intersect internally
and then we take what we have and we run.
and It all starts to unravel
until we’re less than we were carrying before.
I guess I expected more.
Wake me up.
Pictures of you smiling in times
when I just couldn’t be around.
Hold me up.
Count my rings to see how many winters
I’ve been stuck here under ground.
Swore I’d not burn out.
Digging through the memories
that made you feel alive when you were young.
You were right to doubt.
Broken since foundations
in the structures you were building came undone.

Part of your charm was
the way you would push me from
all of the traps that I just couldn’t see.
Figures the one that was there to
have tripped you up
would be the one
was set there
by me.
Wish I was there to say goodbye when you went away.
Wish I was home but noplace was there.
I cut off my arm at the bone in solidarity.
Capital teaches that there’s less when you share.
I felt the noose tighten up on your collar bone.
I felt the gun in the small of your back.
Engraved in the stone
by request and recurse of friends dead is
“Tell me again that it’s all in my head.”